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Rotten Circuits
May 23rd, 2006
11:53 am

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Film cat has met Jesus, and visited his old friend Frank.
Jesus will kick your atheist arse, but not as much as Frank will.

So, kittlings, how are you all? Has any of you tried taking your movies intravenously? It's not how the chief projectionist wants you to see them, but it adds a sense of reality.

Transporter 2
Lets keep this simple - the Transporter had the best martial arts use of environmental weapons in a movie I'd ever seen. There's a scene where the main character, Frank, beats guys up using a pullover. There is an entire battle in a room with spilt oil.

The sequel is almost perfect - the plot is pointless, the villains predictable, the lines throwaway, and the action stunning... except that the director just can't resist going that one bit over the top here and there. This is mostly limited to the driving scenes - I'm sceptical that even Frank could time a jump with a flip so that a nearby crane hook would scrape a bomb off the bottom of the car.

There is also nearly as much product placement as in Josie and the Pussycats, and that movie was using it as plot. It's worryingly well integrated, 'though.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter
This low budget horror movie makes low budget horror movies feel guilty for not giving it a quarter when they pass it in the street, then goes home in its volvo and drinks australian lager with its mates. It's bad, sure. The writing sucks. The direction sucks. The acting sucks. The voice-over syncing is physically painful - your brain tries to make the sounds match the requisite mouths, and then fucks off for a coffee. But as the day-walking vampires begin to attack Jesus, and he slaps his chest and exclaims "Body of Christ!", you realise that they know. They all know how bad this film is, and they're making it anyway.

And yet, there's no sense that they just can't be arsed. They want it to be bad. They NEED it to be bad. The effort they put into the cliches, the plot devices and holes, the continuity errors- the movie is a lovingly crafted pile of rancid goo...

Much like the ice-cream god manifests in.

Play safe, kittlings. I'll not call the hospital if you pick up the wrong Peter Jackson movie and take an overdose.

Current Music: AFI - Miss Murder
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