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Fantasia Blog: First Squad: The Moment of Truth - Rotten Circuits
July 10th, 2010
10:32 pm

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Fantasia Blog: First Squad: The Moment of Truth

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From:rosabella
Date:July 12th, 2010 10:54 pm (UTC)
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[continued from above]

A few little nitpicky points:

"actually part of, or adapted from, an anime TV series," - pick one, part of OR adapted from - there's no advantage to saying both and it feels indecisive. In short pieces - say 1000 words or less - every word counts. Doing a read-through at the end to remove any surplus is a good idea.

"following one clash between the" - tiny nitpick here, but I'd suggest either 'following one particular clash between the' or 'following a clash between the'

"I don't really want to go into the details of the story - the pacing is so patchy that it'd take pages to put it back together - but after a confusing first half, designed around the main character having amnesia, we learn that she's the top occult agent for the Russians, and she's needed to stop a dead sorcerer rising to help the Germans win a battle."

- This one in particular is a long damn sentence, with a lot of clauses in it. I count 6. I'd suggest splitting it up into a couple of sentences instead, and trying to run the clauses together a little more smoothly if possible, rather than using so many commas and dashes.

"Sadly, nothing, besides the battle itself, is resolved in the film. Ever." - Great line, over-punctuated. I'd suggest cutting out two of those commas;

"Sadly, nothing besides the battle itself is resolved in the film. Ever."
or, if you really want to break it up a bit more -
"Sadly, besides the battle itself, nothing is resolved in the film. Ever.'

"beyond "you went missing while on a mission. The" - You missed the closing quotation marks :)

"The beginning of the film teases relationships between" - Is that supposed to be 'teases at'?

"nothing about anyone, and then the film is over." - In terms of impact, I'd suggest losing the 'then';
'nothing about anyone, and the film is over."

"it's hard to but into the ghost battle" - Is that supposed to be butt? Didn't feel like quite the right word there. Maybe 'butt back into' would work better?

"real experience.)" - I'd put the full stop outside the bracket there, myself.

"the credibility of the film as both an attempt to tell a real story and as fiction." - I'd avoid the word story as a contrast to fiction - even though you've got the word 'real' in front, because the word story is linked to fiction in people's heads it doesn't feel like a strong contrast - it doesn't make your point on a sub-conscious level, if that makes sense?

---

All in all, it's a good piece of writing, you have some good points to make, I'd just work on tidying it up a little - planning out what you want to say and what order you want to say it in before you start, checking your sentence structure for variation in length and style, and going through at the end to remove any unnecessary words/phrases/punctuation.

I know I've pulled it apart in a bit of depth, but I should point out that's a sign it's a good piece of writing - bad writing there's no point going through point by point 'cause there's too much to mention, you just pick a few things to mention and leave it at that.

Hope it's helpful, anyway!

I'm looking forward to reading the next one :)
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From:wererogue
Date:July 13th, 2010 01:52 am (UTC)
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Thanks! I've revised it, incorporating a lot of your suggestions (and fixing some other bits - I never proof read this one, as you guessed.)

I'll redraft my other reviews, and let you know when they're done - that way you don't need to make the same criticisms all over again :)
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